Silent Screaming

What are the signs of emotional abuse and what to do about it?

The movements against physical violence and sexual abuse have become widespread. New waves of enraged population are emerging in different parts of the world to shine light on injustice and inhumanity of these acts and desire to make an impactful change. “Me too” movement is one of the more loud ones. This work is important and we, as humanity, still have a long way to go before we’ll reach equanimity and deep respect for each human being’s rights on this planet.

At the same time, there is a different kind of abuse that hasn’t reached the awareness of the general public to the level that will enact a significant change. Emotional or psychological abuse is significantly more prevalent; prevalence rates are averaging around 80% of population. Yet, few people understand what constitutes as emotional abuse and how it can manifest itself in their lives. Majority still hold a strong belief that it happens somewhere out there and not with them. Mainly because this kind of abuse is more silent and has a lot of stigma associated with it. Victims are often ashamed to admit it to themselves, let along speak up about it.

Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that is designed to control, subdue, punish, or isolate another person through the use of humiliation or fear. It targets the emotional and psychological well-being of the victim, and it is often a precursor to physical abuse.

Emotional or psychological abuse is always about power or more accurate a misbalance of power. Typically, in an emotionally abusive relationship there are two roles: the aggressor and the victim. The aggressor seeks power by controlling and manipulating the victim psychologically. In some relationships those two roles interchange between the two individuals. It is also not too uncommon, for the aggressor in one relationship to be a victim in another and vise versa.

Usually, phycological abuse happens very gradually where the aggressor starts to undermine the other person in various ways reducing their self-esteem, isolating them from the world and paralyzing their ability to act. Initially, emotional abuse is often masked as an illusion of care, love or benefactor-like behavior. So the victim overlooks minor red flags until late in the process. Overtime (typically years), the victim’s individuality and self-worth is reduced to serve the will and desires of another being; deeply convinced that there is something wrong with them, that they are broken somehow.

Interestingly enough, many psychologists agree that the aggressor-victim relationship can only be realized when both individuals have the psychological disfunction that supports it. Here, I am only talking about longer-term dysfunctional relationships not a single act of violence.

Let me explain.

This absolutely does not mean that the victims are at fault for what is happening to them or that abusers are excused for their behaviors. What it means is that both the victim and the aggressor most likely had some unresolved trauma in their lives that hasn’t been dealt with and each person copes with it in different ways: either “fight” mode — aggressor or “freeze” mode — victim. Another possible psychological reason is poorly formed attachments as a child leading to undeveloped self-worthiness as an adult; which is also displayed differently in the aggressor and the victim. Important to note, that each case is highly individualized and requires a special evaluation by an expert in order to understand the dynamic and root cause of emotionally abusive relationship.

Just like abuse with alcohol or drugs, these kind of relationships have a tremendous impact on our psychological well-being. Only with the right help from friends and family, support groups and/or specialists, both the victim and the aggressor can step away from the dysfunctional relationship and lead a healthy life.

At this point you might think: “Alright. I get it that there are lot of people out there that have unhealthy relationships. What does that have to do with me?”

It is a common misconception that emotional abuse only happens in domestic environments such as romantic relationships, parents-child relationship, elderly people and their grown-up children and etc. Emotional abuse is prevalent in the workplace, online and other social institutions as well. Although they can present very differently.

Outside of the personal relationships, emotional abuser still enacts humiliation and/or fear tactics in order to control someone or have power over them. Depending on what type of environment it is, the methods will be different.

Here are top 10 typical behaviors to watch out for:

1. Any form of obsessive controlling behavior
2. Consistent use of comparisons that puts you in a lower/less desirable position.
3. Disregard for your opinions and decisions. If you feel you cannot make a decision without a backslash or repercussions.
4. Unrealistic expectations. You feel you can never get things right. Misplaced blame for errors.
5. The abuser is highly sensitive to any criticism and gets easily defensive and angry/upset.
6. The use of any forms of verbal insults. Any phrases that have a demeaning/humiliating effect on you or your work.
7. They are known to take ownership of your accomplishments: your successes were only realized because they made it possible.
8. Any kind of fear-based tactic to get you to do something for them
9. The use of fear or other emotional tactics to isolate you from your family, friends and other social groups
10. An implicit demonstration of their superiority over you.

When you are in the middle of psychologically abusive relationship you will feel that something is not right and experience a high emotional distress. It may come up as dread every time you are around that individual (or group). You may feel like your physical and mental health at risk. You may feel relief when not around that individual.

That kind of hostile environment can eventually lead to anxiety, depression, stress, suicidal thoughts and even trauma responses like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In the work environment you might feel unproductive, constantly fearful of messing up or loosing your job, occupied with worrisome thoughts, and generally very unhappy. These in turn can lead to physical ailments like digestive disorders, sleep deprivation, frequent illnesses and a more serious disease like cancer.

Know, if any of this resonates with you or someone you know even a little bit, there is a high chance that some level of emotional abuse is present. The first step is to internalize that you are not at fault or somehow “defective”. The next step is to learn more about emotional abuse and seek help by speaking to someone about it. During this time you can also start paying attention to which situations evoke strong feelings of distress for you. Is there a common denominator? If you have an individual in mind and you have confronted them on how their behavior affects you but this lead to no change — it is time to act. If you can easily make a change to leave that dysfunctional relationship -leave. If for any reason, you find yourself stuck in a cyclical battle of wanting to leave but not able to — seek professional help.

And know, you’re not alone.